On Self-Doubt & Redirection
Hi friends. It has been a hot minute. As you can see, we’re now on Substack. I moved everyone over from the old format, but if this isn’t for you I understand. If you’re still here, hi! Welcome! Let’s dive in.
I miss writing and I don’t know what to do about it. I didn’t realize how much of my confidence derived from writing and pursuing this improbable TV writing dream. Improbable because it’s hard to make a living this way, but maybe the most improbable thing is that I thought it was inevitable if I followed the steps and tap tapped on my keyboard—until suddenly it didn’t feel so inevitable.
To backtrack, I moved to New York a few months ago, and it’s slowly dawned on me that leaving LA was also probably leaving entertainment, even if I didn’t realize it. I’ve pursued work in TV for nine years, and writing for a bit less than that, but I haven’t been on a TV show since before the pandemic, and I’ve been looking for jobs in other industries.
It’s been a tough pill to swallow.
I really miss having a goal, and a project I was working on to get to the next level—manager, agent, staffed, etc. What do you do when your dream doesn’t work out? Do you consider it a failure, or a redirection? How can you know that it’s over? I mean, maybe it’s not. Anything could happen, but entertainment has certainly lost some of its allure. I still occasionally feel the compulsion to check Deadline. To apply to writer’s assistant jobs in the New York Area. (Please, God, don’t let me be an assistant again).
To be quite candid, I don’t know how to deal with things not working out. I mean I guess I do in that I’m doing it, but it feels like I’m grieving something real, with the added discomfort of – am I sure? Is this right? Am I making a huge mistake? I’ve never felt that after a break-up. I believe they’re always right, or at least have been for me. No regrets, moving on.
There is a blogger named Beth Kirby I’ve long admired who is a very beautiful writer—or she was, she died of suicide a few months ago. I never met her, or knew her beyond a parasocial sense, but her post about falling in love keeps coming back to me. I hate that I can’t link to it (and, it goes without saying, that she is gone), her blog was taken down. But in it she talks about two things that stuck with me: that if she couldn’t talk about falling in love she couldn’t talk about anything else, and how she used to travel to teach photography and blogging workshops, and the grind that was still enjoyable suddenly just became that- a grind. It went cold, she wanted to be home. That’s how I feel right now about pursuing a TV career that doesn’t feel like it wants me back—the trail has gone cold. And if I don’t write about my ambivalence and struggle with leaving it, I might not be able to write about anything else.
However the writing isn’t over, even if I’ve felt low on words for the last several months. One thing I’m excited to do again is get back to Hippie Shit. So if you’ve stuck with me this far, thank you!
Please send in hippie shit-style questions, I’d love to answer them in future issues.
Xo, Alex
My one recommendation: Don’t watch “Conversations with Friends,” it’s very dull. Instead watch “Pachinko” on Apple TV—it’s truly fantastic.
I MISS YOU and boy this resonated with me!! You've written so beautifully about this weird process of mourning. Can't wait to read more Hippie Shit. <3
Yay! I’m so excited that you’re on Substack now and that Hippie Shit lives! I really did miss receiving it in my inbox and I’m looking forward to new editions and hippie shit-style recs.
As far as your comments on leaving writing/the entertainment industry, I think it’s definitely something to grieve, even if you’re not completely sure it’s over. You’re clearly a talented writer, and I think even if you find yourself pivoting to some other industry, writing will still be a part of your life. Or at least I hope it is!